Question:
If you have time, will you edit this for me, please.?
the cheese whisperer
2013-02-13 09:52:23 UTC
"Last Meal"

All he wanted was a sandwich…
and maybe a glass of milk.
He tried to remember the last time he had milk.
He couldn’t.
He only knew his stomach hadn’t known food for three days
and now here it was, dark again.
The pain began in earnest as he slept last night.
Slept.
Yeah, right.
I guess you could call it sleep.
God, he missed his bed.
Spending the night in an alley on two pallets
and some flattened cardboard boxes was not really sleep.
Especially when you’re worried your stomach
is eating itself.
There’s plenty of time to think, staring at a rectangle of stars.
He couldn’t face another night like last.
The diner was very close...
He could see the bright light spilling from the big window, bathing
the sidewalk in a welcoming glow.
A touch of red from a large neon coffee-cup...
The smell of bacon grew perceptibly stronger.
Maybe the fat guy getting out of his truck would loan him a few bucks…?

“Hey buddy… could you loan me a few bucks to get something to eat…?”

“WHAT??? My truck gets broken into last night and my cell phone gets stolen
and now YOU stand there with the audacity to ask me for MONEY???”

The hungry man blinked and tried to understand what the fat guy was saying.
The fat man gave a sudden lunge and the hungry man felt himself being pushed, hard.
He tried not to stumble---back-pedaling and
flailing his arms in giant circles…
But it was no use.
His head struck the curb as he went down, and
a saucer of white pain exploded behind his ear.

He looked up to see the fat man pointing a gun at him.

He couldn’t help but notice the bacon-smell was stronger down here by the gutter…
A small laugh escaped his lips.

Without a word, the fat man shot him in the mouth.
His brain stem exploded from the back of his neck.

The hungry man’s stomach filled with blood
and shards of bone as the cook at the diner asked no one in particular,
“Did you just hear a gunshot?”
Six answers:
anonymous
2013-02-13 09:55:50 UTC
Clean up on the curb of Larry's Diner



STAT
Oakwolf
2013-02-13 10:18:34 UTC
Not sure if you really want an edit or if you're just meeting the required question thing. So I'll take you at your word and give it a once-over. My edits are around the idea of tightening, making your piece more of a poem, less a short story. As always, outcomes are just an opinion; use or ignore as you wish....



"Last Meal"



All he wanted was a sandwich

maybe with milk.

Last milk, he couldn't remember.

He only knew his stomach

hadn’t known food for three days

and it was dark again.

The pain began in earnest as he slept last night.

Slept.

Yeah, right.

Night spent in an alley on two pallets

and flattened cardboard boxes.

God, he missed his bed

and his stomach was eating itself.



Staring at a rectangle of stars.

there’s plenty of time to think.

He couldn’t face another night like that.



He could see the diner's light

spilling bright from the big window

bathing the sidewalk in a welcoming glow.

A touch of red from a large neon coffee-cup...

The smell of bacon grew perceptibly stronger.

Maybe the fat guy getting out of his truck…?



“Hey buddy… could you loan me a few bucks?”



“WHAT? My truck gets broken into last night

my cell phone stolen

now YOU stand there with the audacity?



The hungry man blinked,

tried to understand the fat guy's words.

The fat man gave a sudden lunge,

the hungry man felt himself pushed, hard.

He tried not to stumble---back-pedaling and

flailing his arms in giant circles.

No use, his head

struck the curb and a saucer of white pain

exploded behind his ear.



He looked up to see the fat man's gun.

The bacon-smell was stronger down here by the gutter…

A small laugh escaped his lips.



Without a word, the fat man shot him in the mouth.

His brain stem exploded from the back of his neck.



The hungry man’s stomach filled

with blood and shards of bone

as the cook inside the diner asked

no one in particular

“Did you just hear a gunshot?”
adeline_cosine
2013-02-13 11:55:04 UTC
Reading this, I thought there was not not an edit I could offer: a rare situation for me.



And then I hit the word "audacity."



This is so stone-cold cool, I wish I had time to say why. Sorry to leave with just a gibe.
?
2013-02-13 12:50:23 UTC
Oh, no, you are my one -of-blessed writers here ...

leave the audacity slur out of it cheese, bacon or no bacon...

no.



sad, what a sad story..maybe,for a part of a film like how he got to be a 3-night-hobo

but..audacity..non..non..non, amigo.
Andy P
2013-02-13 12:22:32 UTC
This is not clever or funny at all.

I suppose I should say, "Do your own homework."
techtonic realism
2013-02-13 10:18:55 UTC
everything you write appears so vivid, you must be a short film maker.

awesome thanks for sharing


This content was originally posted on Y! Answers, a Q&A website that shut down in 2021.
Loading...