Does this poem have any majorly awkward bits to edit?

Question

STARSEEDS

To liberate the essence I suppress,
I leap from an unfamiliar cliff;
Below waves rise from a cold, angry sea
I drown in their depths to renew the real me.

Swimming alone, seeking pearls of truth
That were strung on cruel childhood’s thread
Anchored on wreckage beneath the bluff,
Away from the brigands that plundered my head.

Sharks swim along, but dolphins do not.
You won’t find the two of them in proximity.
Great white hopes turned black when they wrought
The frenzy that feeds this stark hunger in me.

To steer by the stars you must learn their paths
Through seasons; heed phases of the moon.
I hid in the shadows of a pirate ship’s mast,
And cried tears enough to make a monsoon.

Stepping out in the light of the sun
Took me by surprise, how blinding it was!
When I blinked, the weaving had come undone.
I was waging a war like I was Mars.

An oyster bed, seaweed, where I lie down
To dream about starships with sails made of light,
Is where I found God‘s pearl-inlaid gold crown;
And a map to His Kingdom spangled the night.

LCF (c) 2015

Answer 1

How does another person correct a poem? A poem is your own creation, an expression and emotion belonging to you. Every full stop or comma or lack of, means something to the poet. It is up to the reader to form an opinion and appreciation of it, not to correct it. Even if you do correct it, you will want to keep the original because after years when you read it you will go back exactly to that moment. Well done and thank you for sharing.

Answer 2

I very6 much enjoyed the theme and that you stayed with it throughout. In the form of a correction, I found only one place where the punctuation seems misplaced. S1 end of L2, beginning L3, the semi colon after cliff is fine, there should a pause after below, a comma would work. Other than that, well done.

Answer 3

“Known of Thuban’’



I counted the stars before its own day

A heavens master; above, its holy array

Its heart of time the starry, skies by day

I was sent to Polaris and each was

And sun moon stars settled east west

As the day went the days became strong

And the meant settled its land; Vega again;

As time settled the northern precession knew

Peace the peace, became the suns (sons) of I

For in, he saw all things now and then not;

As I left through known of Thuban

And bent handle and northern pointer will

Will keep forever and ever

Answer 4

NO,there are no majorly awkward parts at all.

To me it's a good,original story and publishable with

very minor corrections.

To rhyme proximity with hunger in me is showing you're a genius.

Answer 5

The only thing that stood out to me was the first stanza.

The rhyme scheme is completely off.

Truth and bluff also threw it off some.

Otherwise it is real good and I enjoyed reading it.

Answer 6

This is nice to see, from this author as well. This poem is rich

in introspection of one's trials and tribulations, and ultimate

victory, but rather than self dependence there is one of another

kind, God. Good effort, loved it.

Answer 7

The third stanza does not go along with the rest of the poem which is searching or warring for knowledge and truth. Very good read.

Answer 8

Well crafted and sustained.

Worth several readings.

One of the best I've read on here for a while.

Answer 9

Oh my gosh, I thought it was absolutely beautiful! I don't think you have to edit any of it, but adjust it if you think you should :3

Answer 10

I enjoyed it, it's a keeper, leave it as is and keep writing!

Answer 11

Brilliant thoughts...poignant and fresh...i would only sharpen the rhythm...let it flow more...