The autumn love....read my poem pls?

Question

The Autumn love

I stand alone where once you stood with me,
Near the still river, something lost in the deep.
The river too cease to merge with the sea,
The trees never blossom, I can hear them weep.

The sweet music of your voice never fills the air,
The flowers never laugh, the forest lay dry.
Amidst the valley of dark is the love's last lair,
In the abode of snow, the clouds never cry.

It was the place my heart broke, you left me to die,
A little plant stands here, waiting to grow.
With no love shower it will bade goodbye,
As the winter dawns over, burying deep like a plough.

My love is lifeless now, darkened inside,
As with the leaves it falls down, breathing slow.
The sun never shines, there is no one to guide,
As sorrow takes over, and it lose its glow.

In the one hope that the river will flow,
The trees will blossom and will never cry.
The sun will rise with its mighty glow,
I stand wet with tears, in the land so dry.

In the hope that you will come back to me,
A dream as cold as the Autumn tree.

How was it? Thanks a lot!!!

Answer 1

I felt you just threw in a whole bunch of similes just for the sake of having them.The lines in each of your verse just seems like a list of similies. There aren't many evocative verbs used or powerful imagery. This is crucial in a poem because it's how strong feelings are ignited in you reader. I don't say this to be cruel but I didn't feel anything when I read your poem. Perhaps you should look at other poets' work to get an idea. I recommend Carol Ann Duffy

Answer 2

You have some really good lines in here. "As with the leaves it falls down, breathing slow." -love it



I think you need to be careful of the words you use. Just because it's a poem, and just because it rhymes, that doesn't mean you need to use language like "bade goodbye," it's not modern and unlikely you'd use it in real life? But then again, I don't know you, so you might :P



Have fun writing!

Answer 3

I really liked the poem, and it was written good as well.

The story line to me was made even more powerful and

meaningful as you made each line count as you told your

story. The caps to start, bravo, and your rhymes were

well thought out. There is only one thing I might consider

changing cause you were pretty consistent in your syllable

count of 10 or 11 per line. That could be line 1 and 4 of

the 3rd stanza. Are still good but could be pared back to

match the rest. Good effort.

Answer 4

When I buried the cat in the garden I made a cross

said some prayers song a song laid down a single red rose

That's when the birds began to whistle and a Angel from God came down

And I asked her 'Will my cat come back to me ?

And she nodded her head at me , and said

Her loving heart is lying still ! Let God take her with his black cotton gloves , and put her in the Bin ..



Bored ..? So was I when I read your poem :)

Keep trying