is this poem any good? how can i fix it?

Question

Memories of Love

lost in a dream, of a magical love
in his gypsy camp, i can never get enough

it happens night after night
i dream so sweetly
of a boy with black curls
placed anything but neatly.

his eyes, a deep brown
stare through mine seductively
and night after night...
i give in completely.

those long dark arms
pulling me near.
his voice, sweet lullabyes
whispered in my ear.

his fingertips searching,
for a love to hold on to
his lips,pink and roaming
tasting sweet, something new.

our hearts, beating faster.
our fingers, intertwined.
our bodies, holding closely.
our souls control our minds.

his aroma, intoxicating.
his touch, so tender.
his eyes, intensly open.
his love, full of splendor

but then our night ends, and i must awaken
to my room once more
but his aroma, it still lingers
a memory i shant ignore

Answer 1

I think it's good, in a virgin kind of way. And real love never really happens that way. Be careful to not let your dream guy become a real guy out of illusions. You must be young going through the believing in romance stage. As a single mother who has been through tremendous hearbreak, I know I useto dream like that. DON'T! STOP! Write about real experiences. If you dream about it too long you'll give in to anybody. But that's just me and I tend to focus more on the feelings behind the poem rather than the poem. . At the end you open your eyes to your room and you must awaken from the dream, and this is a negative thing, it seems like. Why not write about the real feelings:

loneliness, finding pleasure in dreams, trying to find your new place, maybe even parents that you hate.

Instead of indulging in your dream, indulge in life and find a way to make it yours. Not that I'm condeming your ideas, it's just a poem, and your poetic ability is really there.

Answer 2

It's not bad.

"our hearts, beating faster.

our fingers, intertwined.

our bodies, holding closely.

our souls control our minds."

But the last line doesn't really have to do with your main subject Maybe just take out the word control. Do something with it it seems out of place.

Answer 3

Beautiful amazing! You paint a picture in my mind! Gorgeous!!! YOU ARE A FABULOUS POET! YOU HAVE GOT TALENT!!! KEEP IT UP YOU ROCK!

And I am being 100000000000000 % honest!

Answer 4

great rhymes and very descriptive but the metre is off, you can't develop a rhythm reading it

Answer 5

wow.

do you have more?

i'd love to read your work!

this is brillant, no need to fix anything dear!

Answer 6

i think it's beautiful! :)



I'm being 1,000% honest!