A different poem to my previous releases. Care to give your opinion?

Question

After,
the cold darkness,
in the heart of the forest.
Where birds are singing,
for the new born sun
In the womb of the leaves,
on the branches of the trees,
lies the treasure in the morning,
the pearls of light.
Carried away by the truculence of my world,
I got lost in the search for enlightenment,
The blue rain,
Covered my roots and I forgot where I came from.
Forcing me to belong where i'm not
Whilst my corporeal self haunts this glade
My spirit sleeps in a place lodged away from reality

Sorry weirder poem here, without the syllable count per line restriction it sure is easier!

Answer 1

I am of a differing opinion on words like truculence, they are words and should be used not matter how ugly they may appear to some, I like this poem the line breaks work for me, I retreat now to my place under the willows to await my wolf... where we will consummate our love of all creation.

Answer 2

I am not as conversant with your work as some others and I feel the loss.



But I guess this is okay too because I can read this poem and take it as it is.



I find it's a peaceful piece. I've never been able to write the like so I appreciate it as only someone looking at something from the outside in could.



My favourite line is:



"I got lost in the search for enlightenment"



There's so much nuance to feel and think through. With lines like "after the cold darkness" and "birds are singing", and "my spirit sleeps" and "pearls of light" and with words like "womb" and "treasure" and "singing" I guess it's a hopeful poem.



But there is a mitigating darkness for us cynics who don't believe in the total purity of... anything except babies I guess... when you said what you said about "the truculence of my world... enlightenment" you described a thing I could relate to. I hope it doesn't last or at least it doesn't get too vitriolic that it saps your soul. Not permanently.



Here's to our spirit's renewal of our corporeal selves.

Answer 3

This is actually pretty good. Good imagery

and a visceral feel.

I don't know if it was on purpose or just subconscious,

but your poem is also actually sorta shaped like the branches

of a tree, as seen from the side! Literally.

Only recommended change is to get that word 'truculence'

out of there. One mentally trips over it, like a log in the woods.

Perhaps check the thesaurus for a word that is more pleasing

to the ear.

Keep up the good work~

Answer 4

i'm not a poet, so i don't understand how qualified i'm to furnish my critique, yet i visit. something that I found out in a classification with my famous author Joyce Maynard, is to make each be conscious attainable %. a useful seen --like a portray. Which areas of the poem could desire to you paint in a image? Which areas are obscure? The areas that paint a image are ideas-blowing. i admire: like an oyster,captivating each morning i admire: yet from time to time those objectives shatter like scattered stars interior the night sky. i might desire to furnish another suggestion: be careful of writing in cliches, alongside with cliches that are actually not probably cliches yet words that persons say plenty. continuously try to be a different painter of words. ask your self what you attempt to assert interior the words that are much less unique. . . yet take what enables ya. thank you for sharing with us.

Answer 5

Dallas is on to something there. You are reading the others - and that is what lends maturity, seeing how others sculpt words as though they are clay. Seems so easy to some of them, but guarantee they've all read millions of writes during their own growth. (Jumping up & down with glee to see you UNAFRAID. Ain't it grand?) xoxox!!! Wonderful write; best out of you yet. Word usage, imagery, all! I am proud!

Answer 6

I said it before and will say it again,

Thank you so much for the turn my friend.

We all hope we will gain as we grow

and most lately you show

maturity in yer work

that can only go unseen

by some who mean yer chain to jerk.



Hugs on you to share everything

Answer 7

Lovely visual effect in this piece. You transferred me to the forest in the early mornig light

Answer 8

it's nice,not bad at all