The Marionette - A Poem I Wrote, Tell Me What You Think?

Question

The Marionette

"Slow down, please stop!
Don't leave me behind...
I'll stand, I'll walk!
Please be just a little bit kind..."

She begged and begged,
Shadows disappeared into the night.
She begged her legs to move,
Heart filled with fright.

Her wooden limbs wouldn't budge,
As her strings pulled her back.
Strings made from fine silver,
Now turned rusty black.

"No," she whispered,
"Don't go, don't leave..."
Holding on to some hope,
She was painfully deceived.

Through those beady eyes,
Black tainted tears started to fall.
She cursed and tried to move,
That pitiful little doll.

Not just any doll, was she.
But a Princess's precious toy.
Her memories with the Princess,
Was filled with such endless joy.

The young Princess however,
Died, one cold Winter's eve.
Through her beady eyes,
The beautiful marionette grieved.

Months and years went by,
The marionette grew cold and old.
No one no longer polished her,
Or her beauty, they behold.

Left in the tallest room of the palace,
The marionette begged to be free.
"Slow down, please stop!
Please, don't leave me..."




I am very thankful for those who actually read up till here.

Feedback?

Answer 1

Firstly, I was quite shocked that marionette is a doll.



Its a nice poem i must say. But you could work on the imagery a little more.....make it even more pitiful. Just being left in a room is not that pitifuk...feel a slight empty climax there, if you don't mind my opinion. This poem reminded me of Toy Story from Disney.



If you don't mind, i will like to give a little of my suggestion, to add to the climax, such as the toy doll that is dropped along a carriage ride, landed on some water. The doll feels very sad, and filthy, and most of all, she tried to scream and scream but all she sees is the carriage turning round the corner, and is gone...and the thereafter fate...



Or, if you like to leave her at the top of the cupboard. She is left cold by the princess. Bit by bit, she sees the princess growing up...buying nicer dresses, going for balls. But as she is neglected, her body deteriorate overtime. Rats bit off her dresses, her hair and finally her eye.

one day, some maids were cleaning the cupboard and found her...



this are the things i wanna share..

Answer 2

You are very talented at writing Haiku's, and that is a rare quality amongst writers. Your themes are consistent, your voice has strength behind it--and your imagery is full of twists and turns. My only criticisms would be: work on your free verse, delve into a bit more, and strengthen your word choice a little. You are a great writer! And keep on writing Haiku's,seriously, you are amazing at it.

Answer 3

Outstanding.

Answer 4

beautiful , but so heartrending , honey , keep it up you have got talent . loved reading this xx

Answer 5

it's an incredible poem. very well written and really descriptive, you've got real talent . plz post other poems if you have any. thanks

Answer 6

god! that was utterly unbelievable!

it was simple, stunning and beautiful.

wow...*sighs in awe*

you've got a pen and paper's worth of skill there.

cheers:]



p.s. if you have more, please post!

Answer 7

unbelievably.. is it really your work?.. well.. sorry for doubting.. it's really good.

Answer 8

Its very very good, well done ....