ask criticism on this love poem,I wrote....?

Question

The blossoms of cherry and lyilac sway with the mellow evening breeze.

Dozy yawn of the cat wakes up the anticipation the moon will come on my window so will come your silent steps.

My solitude meets the joy dreaming of your presence

With your smile on me I know the moonlight will never dry like my love to you.

And I become a blossom to be opened by you.

Answer 1

Your offering has merit, however it looks as if it was written in the Mia Angelou style of little structure and pantementer. The content is keeping with current styles of thoughts put to paper with a thin thread of love and worship running through it. In that sense it has potential.



I took a few minutes to play with your offering if you don't mind.



Windbeams and love



I sense blossoms of lilac and cherry move with the evening breeze.



The cat wakes with a yawn, a stretch, anticipating the moonbeams and your quiet countenance.



My solitude joins my dreams at the joy of your being here with me.



The moonlight witnesses your smile upon me and like the moonlight, my love will never die.



And I, like the night blooming jasmine, await my blossom to be opened by your love.

Answer 2

It's a really cute idea, but it's a little creepy. It has a wonderful start, and an okay middle, the blossom being opened by your love, is weird.

Answer 3

It's good and I really like the phrase of the 4th sentence--However; check spelling of lilacs and what kind of word is dozy? Is that a word? Overall pretty good. Are you in love?

Sorry, just re-read the" lyilac sway" and now it makes sence to me--My apology

Answer 4

I quite like it.



The second line doesn't seem to quite flow properly though. Doesn't have the same clarity of concept or image the others have. The last line is a little too submissive for me but it still a nice line. Really like the 3rd and 4th lines.

Answer 5

I can't put my finger on it, but it seems awkward. I also think it seems more creepy than anything else.



P.S. Luminous, it's spelled "sense".

Answer 6

its good. i like it