Ocean, Earth and Spirit themed poem anyone?

Question

The Three Delights .


Old Neptune sits with steely gaze
Upon his throne of coral glazed,
Above the ocean’s turquoise haze.
Seahorses dance among the maze,
Of seaweed with equine ease,
While dolphins leap in the breeze.
Old Neptune’s trident radiates,
In his barnacled hand as it
Seems to gravitate above the land.
Old Neptune smiles as he ponders,
A while then dives back under
The ocean wonder.

Gaia, beauty of the earth
Glides over filled with merry mirth,
As she watches the birth of trees,
Grow from cabins to mighty citadels.
As she sits upon the mountain hills
She listens to the birds sing and shrill,
From morning to the illuminating night.
What a sight her emerald eyes
Create among the flowers bright.
All the creatures come to watch,
Earth’s goddess in all her splendour.

There are spirits all around can’t you see,
There’s one in you and one in me.
Spirit’s come in many forms,
Angels, voices and dreams to name a few.
See that stone and see that leaf spiral
Through the atmosphere.
You just witnessed spirits dancing,
Dancing graceful and fair.
Did you see that quick flicker?
Out of the corner of your eye,
That spirit wants to play with you.
Lastly all-important, when you hear
That voice inside you telling you
To beware, that’s a spirit warning
You so there won’t be any fear.
So next time if you’re quiet and believe,
A spirit might join you for a cup of tea.


© S.N. Hammond.
7/3/04.

Answer 1

I enjoyed reading it. It is quite beautiful in places. I have written my response. I have no background in poetry past school age so take it or leave it.



I agree with the comment about the title. It does not convey the richness of images and themes in your poem.



1st verse

'Old' carries negative associations in contrast with the strength of the 'steely' glare. I like the contrast. Was this your intention?



Think about the layout of the 1st verse. In some places you have written it with the rhyme at the end, purposefully ignoring the line continuing on the next line (e.g. maze of seaweed) and in another place the rhyming words are hidden e.g. hand. Consider choosing if you are going to organise it as it would be read or to show the rhymes.



Gravity is about pulling, the image of 'gravitating above' something jars with me. Generally things gravitate towards something. Hovers? I cannot think of a word that is equally potent. Something about having a tangible presence.



Radiates is a very strong image.



2nd verse

Love the first line and the idea of her watching the birth of trees.

Glides over what?

Merry mirth is a tautology. They mean the same thing.



'As she watches the birth of trees,

Grow from cabins to mighty citadels'.



Does it need a 'and their growth from' instead of 'grow'. The birth of trees do not grow.



I've not heard of mountain hills but that could be just me.



Shrill is quite a negative sound. What about trill? It is a more pleasant sound.



'From morning to the illuminating night.'



Lovely line. Do you mean illuminated? or is this a more poetic vision of learning something from the night?



I'm not sure how her emerald eyes are creating a sight. Is she hiding? Can her eyes literally be seen or is it in some form of nature?



"All the creatures come to watch,

Earth’s goddess in all her splendour".



Beautifully written couple of lines. Lovely words and nice rhythm.



The third verse sounds like it is from a different poem. There are some nice ideas and words (dancing graceful and fair + spirits coming in different forms) but some seem addressed to children, particularly 'can't you see?, and the bit 'one in you and one in me'. The last line is a bit twee considering the imagery and language of the first two verses. The ideas are potent but the bits I've mentioned undermine them.



A little bit is unclear. If a voice inside says 'beware', why does that mean not to be fearful? Beware means be on your guard.





I've been thorough and picky, assuming you wanted some analysis and points to consider rather than someone to just say 'good'. I apologise if it was not what you wanted. I thought it was a smile-inducing poem.. Poetry is very personal and these are just my opinions.

Answer 2

I like it a lot!!!!!

Although I'm not a great fan of the way the Neptune bit keeps rhyming but thats a taste thing I guess.



Oh and the title needs to change I reckon, it reminds me of some confectionary advert ;) delights doesnt seem a strong enough word for Ocean, Earth and Spirt

Answer 3

Very Very good` little Piratess Peg` itl suit ol`Davy Jones` that n all` Right down to a Cup of Tea`?? well done?

Answer 4

I really like this poem. And that is a LOT coming from me. I actually really don`t like poems all that much. But maybe I just have not read the good ones that much.



Truly very well written. Kudos.

Answer 5

Oh my god! That was fucking amazing! Look, I run this publishing business, and i would like to publish your poems! Phone [phone] and ask for the silver tea hamper. This is the password to get you to the publishing liasons office, apon which you should ask for Bernard.

Answer 6

i like it, but I'm not sure why - - It's mostly bc/ I don't have time right now to go over the specifics so first gut-reaction- GOOD! I usually don't agree with the poems picked for poetry contests anyways.

Answer 7

cool. it's okay. it's interesting. i like the imagery you use, 2nd stanza especially. i'm not big on spirits, but objectively, i think your poem was nice.



♥♫§♥

Answer 8

I think its beautiful.