What do you think of this start of a poem?

Question

The old house

The place, with quiet stillness lay
A path, a quiet refuge in the storm
The yard where joyfull children used to play
Is now the home where people come to mourn

The windows once so full of dancing light
Now dark and quiet death has taken hold
No longer signs of ones last futile fight
Reveals the fate of all who are now old

Please your compliments/constructive criticism

Answer 1

The first stanza is really visual and I truely felt like I was being taken on a journey to the place in question. It's really moody and intreguing; it inspires curiousity.But the second stanza is not clear- the wording is rather confusing and the lines don't fit together well. The meaning is lost in translation.

Overall, I appreciate the subtle leaps in time you offered- continue with that because they provide excellent contrast and enhance the mood you are trying to convey by alienating it from that of the colorful past.

Answer 2

I agree with answerer #1. The first stanza, the first line in particular, is very good. The piece seems to slowly crumble away from there, losing your meter in the desire to be complicated.



"The place, with quiet stillness lay,

a path, a quiet refuge,

The yard where joyful children play,

a home where people morn."



Let your ideas do the work, not your form and structure. Dr. Swetman says, "Don't make the foot fit the shoe."

Answer 3

really good! i liked it alot.