A clumsy poem, would you like to read it and comment?

Question

The Dragon

layered scales bedeck his skin
his wingspread far beyond my reach
this arid beach
on white sand absolute begins
a friendship reconciled
to my days spent here as a tiny child

He picked me gently up that day
as I looked up in awe and smiled
twas all in play
flying away, our time we whiled
perhaps it was a dream
but in my mind I still see his eyes gleam

His scales shone brightly in the sun
Untarnished and untouched by man
We had our fun
a friendship that would fully span
Memories spilling out
So of a dragons love, I have no doubt

Answer 1

As you said - clumsy. "He gently picked me up that day" works better. You need to lose the repetition of "up" in the next line - "as I looked at him in awe and smiled" is perhaps the way to go. You also need a cap in L1, V1 and punctuation throughout to facilitate ease of reading.

Answer 2

Ditto to the comments about theft. I really like this and I think genuinely good, unpublished work is always a temptation to those who lack the creativity or the integrity to come up with their own. Personally I have stopped posting things in the public domain, i.e. the internet, because I stopped needing the affirmation that my work was good (I now realise that my own judgment is infinitely better than that of most other people, because I am far more critical and honest than other people are about my work) I still want people to read my writing, but I have since found other forums. Entering competitions, going to amateur recitals etc, can be a much safer way of getting your work heard. I love this piece, keep up the good work!

Answer 3

There is only one thing that surprised me -- okay, more than one -- and that was your switch from the traditional madrigal form in the first strophe, viz. abbacc to ababcc in the next two. But it is a love poem, and indeed one only you could have written... smile dear, that's a compliment. The tempo of this poem was quite lovely, and the imagery alluring; there is some sort of seductive attraction in this otherworldly creature, isn't there. He hasn't flown away though, he's just working awfully hard right now... go ahead, touch my wings.



The dragon, with his maiden fair

Sailed high above the fleecy clouds

And she allowed

Him now to take here everywhere.

She found the strength to trust

As all who wish to heal life's heartache must.

Answer 4

Okay, Girlie, it's officially driving me nuts. Did I read this before or is it just that you wrote another poem about a dragon a long while back? No matter, dragon poems and mystical things make me revisit innocent days. And...'Puff The Magic Dragon' is the greatest song ever written, almost. You a mystical, magical kinda gal, Girlie. Knew it the firs time I ever read you. xox

Answer 5

Mysterious and comforting...one may think of "Puff", but this goes beyond the old song by Peter, Paul and Mary. This poem is from the heart and not from self-induced weed idolatry. This means much more to me. I really like it.

Answer 6

It's a little clumsy of you posting this while

Sir Hiram is around, he's a dragon slayer

from way back, and already talking about

rendering it.

Answer 7

I hear 'Puff the Magic Dragon' playing in the background. That song still makes me cry.

Very good subject in Dragons, BB!

Answer 8

I enjoyed this BB. I've always had a fascination for dragons as well.

Answer 9

A lovely rendering of Puff.

Answer 10

When i was little, people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I would smile and answer A Mermaid!



I like scaly creatures too sista...*hi five*

Answer 11

"So of a dragon's love, I have no doubt" ... My mind's eye is taking me to a much deeper place here, like the connection between Saphira and Eragon (from the book Eragon). "Together, as one..."



I really did enjoy this!

Answer 12

You are on your way to become a famous poet. Keep on writing. I am looking forward to reading your new poems.

Answer 13

to peek into the cave of your mind and find a dragon is not clumsy....just glad it wasn't fire breathing..nice

Answer 14

That's a GOOD poem. Somebody might steal it, that's why I don't post poems online

Answer 15

Nothing clumsy about your wondrous fantasies!

Answer 16

I wish I`m that dragon.

Beautifully written.

I shared that sentiments.

Thanks.

Answer 17

=D No lie but pure awsome sauce

Answer 18

this is truly Amazing wow you blow me away with words so good