My Poem......Please comment.........?

Question

Here is a poem I wrote. The poem is on the birth of our Jesus...the birth of christianity and death of old paganisms and misbeliefs...

Among the thousand stars one night
Appeared a fairy, white in light
My eyes were clos'd but heart was wake
By chance, to feel her song of might

Nearer she came the singing sprite
Emptied her bough the owl in fright
Her beauty spread in air a light
The brook then paus'd to have a sight

The sky drizzled as if in bliss
A breeze then came and gave a kiss
She rais'd her hands and did a touch
The heart of heaven I felt in this

Within my thoughts a morn then born
I caught a sight of graveyard yon
To there I walk'd to know who sounds
I found a baby, newly born

Beside the grave I saw a scene
There lay on marsh an earthly queen
A gale then broke and took her 'way
To heights and heights I never had seen

Across my mind a scene then rode
A Kingless throne and crown it show'd
And people taking holy bath
In streams of grief that overflow'd

At once a star in earth had shone
I saw a fairy in that throne
A thousand stream of bliss then flow'd
Out of her heart to miles unknown.

Answer 1

I love it! Your poem is full of cadence and has a strong literary, artistic qualities. Your reference to Jesus, Christianism, spirituality, aristocrats and the celestial world adds substance/ essence in this piece...making it very worthy of reading! Thanks for sharing. =)



-Iris.

Answer 2

The use of phrases that don't seem to be truthfully phrases is incredibly distracting. There's "homespun" then there is "so riddled with casual spelling as to be incomprehensible as English." This is the latter. ETA: Gee, five toes 7 Texas Heaven, do not ask for the critiques of whole strangers after which whinge that they do not know you. If it is medication and on your possess leisure, have a satisfactory time with it however do not anticipate to be informed it is satisfactory while it is not. Show it for your peers who will let you know that you're an first-rate poet if that's all you desire to listen to.

Answer 3

This one is almost great. It feels a little bit 'forced', here and there. You do have a good feel for rhyme and meter. I really like S-6.



I need a Holy bath. Our hot water has been out for 2 days. TD

Answer 4

What happened to the new born

Answer 5

Very nice work. Any others?

Answer 6

Very nice symbolism. It draws you in with the words and imagery. I like it very much. Thanks for sharing.

Answer 7

I think it's good .