What do you think of my short poem?

Question

(I basically just wrote it, so it's a very rough draft)
((Also, tell me what YOU think this poem is about))

With time I wither
Cannot escape
Drowning in my own oblivion
Self-respect has been raped
The pain is unforgiving
Mental torture
Will always follow
Wandering my own road of misery
No place to call home
Forgot my name
But does it really matter
Alone
I am forced to shiver all night
As it is what I deserve
For who, or rather what I am
Morbid depression
Welcome to paradise

Answer 1

It looks as if you're covering the fact that you can't think of better lines by throwing a word to make it seem "dark".



What do i think it's about? Well, you did write "Mental torture", "Alone", "Morbid depression".

Could it be any more obvious?

Answer 2

It's clearly a dark poem, expressing deep pain and hopelessness. For a bit of constructive feedback, I would suggest using more imagery, particularly with such a short poem. Using phrases like "mental torture" and "morbid depression" are literally descriptive. "Shiver all night" is better...it fills the reader with that symbolic, non-literal image.

Answer 3

Really good I'd change the last line though "welcome to paradise" it's all sarcastic about it. I'm not sure if sarcasm like that is a good thing in poetry.



Nevertheless I give this poem a 8/10 =D

Answer 4

Dark. But very good.

I mean it's very creative and deep. I can feel the sadness.



But lighten up, dude. It's better to be happy anyway.