"Scattered Splinters" .. a new late - night Spontane of the Hearty kind..would you care to read please, and t?

Question

`Scattered Splinters`. Copyright, !st Draft.Lapiz D. 11/8/2012.Sole Copyright.England.
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"I have made near-heroic efforts to escape them:
They are lodged into
the walls of
the bathroom
the bedroom
the hallways
the stairway
the sit-talking-on-the-hone-worn-by-use-concaved stair by my drawing-room
the master bedroom
my study
the keyholes
the furniture
the paintwork
the blinds,
shards of my heart snag me, right, left and centre;
they cut deep into my bare feet, on the parquet and upon the floorboards;
they jagged-cruel point at me, angular lethal form
the ceilings
the light-fittings
the window-frames.
Worse,the bedding
patchwork quilts
broderie-anglaise coverlets
pillowslips
duvets
bidets
toilet-walls
marbled gallery halls
market stalls
(It could not face the horrors of hospitals
Quixotic though I thought that it was)
because ambulances were a-glint bristling with tiered splinters old and pointing alarmingly
I am pierced, scratched, scraped
even the drapes prick my fingers
ever the pain - dripping - lingers.

One day
I sent an adventurous tiny fragment left, of my heart, my heart
walkabout
and I was out-splintered, indeed -
shards of hearts upon
sidewalks
in restaurants
doorways
playhouses
theatres
concert halls
brickwork
stucco
window - boxes
bowers
trees a-shard, bright, hard, branching up to the gentle skies
splinters and . near - lethal Cupid`s heart - darts aimed, willy-nilly, too;
Courts of Law were overcrowded , not an inch to spare from HUGE splinters
springs
summers
autumn
winters.

Just think - it must be more, far - much more than some resilience's miracle
that any of us have any heart left at all;
For such a shattered truly spattered scattered heartless species
We`re a Living Example of resiliences shared
But oh, I`m too sore, afraid , -
to let my remaining sacred shard - of -this -heart again...roam.
For - Some shards of hearts out there float, gleam with slime in gutters:
They have no home; in which to lodge their points.

So, I dodge the splinters here, and I sew cushions of verse
Scatter - Cushions - so - life is not absolutely collaterally irreparably worse.
My heart has seen far worse and - survived, but -
Should - you know - of any Very wise, jaggedy-shard-from-bedding-remover,
I`d be very very much less scarred, and I`d be obliged,.and praises I`d offer with renewed ado..
If you would send such Being here - to remove the splinters of heart, in my bed get them back in
my heart`s space,they`d re- fit as naturally as song sung by some innocent child,upon sweet whim. "

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Answer 1

You cover much ground,leaving the reader with much to ponder. The title is perfect and the poem is voiced well, but crosses the limit, as far as length. I understand your embarkation, the journey, and the conclusion. The construction of the poem employs several styles, from "staccato", two-word lines, into longer, "allegro" sentences, moving into whole paragraphs. This would suggest an abstract, painted with words. This tends to impede the momentum, in the traditional sense, unless these breaks in flow are intentional. However, this fragments the harmony needed in a presentation

of this length. This renders your poem eclectic and contrapuntal. I can only guess if this was your purpose. Taking this critique at face value, the overriding factor is your creative talent.

You could re-think a few sentences that end in what seem to be abbreviated words, or slang /dialect.

(a wide audience might not be familiar with).



The dynamic thrust of your writing is among the most exciting works being posted on the forum, but you're allowing your cascading emotions to "trump" or override your form, which can be confusing

and cause the reader to lose interest. You start with a stated plot line, then meander, letting emotion derail form, momentum and flow. (there are several poems in this single presentation). You create an emotional kaleidoscope that, because of your gift for writing, changes tempo / style that is geometrically correct for that section.



With a bit more self restraint, concentrating your narrative and deciding on shorter, less ambitious goals, you have within you the talent to write unforgettable, well ordered works of prose. This poem is well conceptualized (in stages) and has many unique passages, but when considering the scope of this poem, you're entering the realm of the short-short story..

Regardless, this is well conceived, unique presentation, Lapiz.

Answer 2

'If you would send such Being here - to remove the splinters of heart, in my bed get them back in

my heart`s space,they`d re- fit as naturally as song sung by some innocent child,upon sweet whim. "



I know her. And she may not be here in the flesh, but as I read those lines...



criminy Dallas , tell her what Terra can do to fix a heart like new. Love is that child's essence, always knew when someone needed love, and gave it every and any way she could.

Answer 3

Good morning to you, and all on right here (to this point) be this second of your pen, shall pass let now not the iambs get the first-class of you to last, as is said, success no longer revenge is our victory, and john barley corn handiest fogs the poets pen. Cheers to you, for realizing who you're, who cares for anyone who hides with unsightly words, while yours are filled with appeal and friendliness.

Answer 4

You are a mess in a mess Lapiz.

And so is this piece.

Do you have the ability to reveal without covering?

You piled so much upon what could have been something revealing talent.

Your piece is sophisticated like an alley cat.

Where are you going?

I read your stuff but haven't c/c until now.

I look forward to more rucus from you.