I humbly submit a crappy poem I wrote tonight, for your rewrite and edit.?

Question

It was fun but disappointing, any suggestions for improvements would be appreciated.

The Old Guard School of Fashion
(Ode to my mom)

Before the cheval glass reflection
trying on styles of acculturation
This closet’s inundated overspill
leaves me so uncomfortable
(Not mine!)
Careworn classics just won’t jive
The free bohemian, as long as I’m alive
Conjectured cashmere ensembles reassemble
Who will measure me by those I resemble
(I refuse!)
Appropriated garb for all your needs
passed down maternal lines
French brocades or Scottish tweeds
bequeathed to daughters left behind
(I hate it!)
Tightly confining, as laced up corsets
A bit too itchy, I can’t endorse it
Mom said, you’ll relish this by and by
The resulting rash is rough and dry
Irritated, my reply was twitchy,
(I’ll try)
These memories reek of her perfumes
Muget in the morning ,Channel after noon
Scrutiny eyed the daughter cloned, was her delight
habilimented the costumer reinvented the fight
(Im nauseous!)
Even when at my invitations
for luncheons, tea or lemonade
Stamping cups with lipstick impressions
asking if I admire her particularly peculiar shade
(Go home!)
Don’t forget dear, what I told you
Classic don’t go out of style, and never become obsolete
Well done to my credit, I did mold you
You must agree that a tweed is sweet.
(Not even in mothballs!)
Alone before my mirror
Oh? My glassy eyed dull surprise
Assessing the fit of my new tweed jacket
my cashmere sweater and skirts brocade
(Maybe with boots?)
I hear her voice retorting with such felicity
That is just simply the perfect selection
never compromise authenticity
It’s genuinely YOU!
And so very, truly, ingenue!

Answer 1

This poem excels in details and atmospherics. I like the cheval glass, and I love the tweeds above all, more than the Muguet, Chanel, or even the lemonade. It is better at recollection than reflection; I think the speaker evokes her mother wonderfully, though does not rise in her bohemian self to be a convincing counterpoint. The rhyme on jive/alive comes closest to this, while others of the verbal tricks convey less psychological detail-- sz. 4, perhaps especially. Most of the stanzas, though, achieve social specificity via a convincingly personal slant. The quatrains mostly begin better than they end, beginning with description and ending with reaction. The reactive endings to the quatrains are at their best when apodictic-- `bequeathed to daughters left behind,' is good. At least to me, sz. 5, ll. 3-4 are somewhat Byzantine, as are sz. 6, ll. 3-4. I think the ending of the poem in the last three stanzas is very well paced. I do not get a very good sense of the exact outfit in sz. 8, if it is even meant to be a single outfit, but it sounds, at least, reasonably contemporary. I am not totally convinced by the you/ingenue at the end; because the speaker effaces herself so much to show her mother's sense of wardrobe, one feels very little about her, except that the transformation from bohemian to ingenue is rather odd.



Your sometimes Hudibrastic off-rhymes are delightful, though the the poem does not quite have the rhythm to carry the effect off. The syntax often also snarls the flow of the poem. Rhythm is more important, but both need some work for this poem to flow smoothly and with panache. I must say the premise is eerily similar to my poem, on which you were kind enough to comment; we both reach reconciliation with our respective ancestors and their physical objects, though in so doing we are both bested by them. Perhaps for that reason, I am interested to see you develop the theme in a more polished way, though given the poetry teachers you have had, I am hardly apt to give advice. Your style aims at modernity in a different way than that of my verses do. Perhaps you will wish to edit this work, or perhaps not; perhaps you will write again. In any case I offer you my best wishes in your endeavours--

Answer 2

I liked the poem. Even though I sort of "tripped up" on a few words, I was still able to clearly distinguish the whole point of the poem. My interpretation is, You were trying on some of mom's old clothing from a closet, which is probably collecting dust by now. Because the descriptions you made, were spot on. Itchy cashmere and the whole shebang.





BTW, to Marion: For my amusement, I read your answer out loud in the tone of an old lady. And when you stated your source as "my inner insides", i burst out laughing. So, I guess I'm writing this to thank you for the laugh. Even though, it was probably unintentional. And if that's the case, then no offense.

Answer 3

I like the flow of your poem. As it read it, it flowed really well. "These memories reek of her perfumes" is a very fine line, I have to say!



Listen, as bizarre as this suggestion might sound to you at 2:07 in the morning. Can you send me some of your other poetry? I find the way you write really cool. (I'm a poet as well, a young poet). Do you have a book published?



[e-mail]

Answer 4

Well, at least no one will accuse you of plagiarism...