What do you think of my sad lost love poem?

Question

I already posted this poem here, but I was told that it was plagiarized a bit, so I rewrote it heavily. Thoughts? Yeah, I know it's kinda long, just read it. I've written 5 page poems, so don't let this daunt you.

Upper-West Fair

After so long in lonely solitude there is word
Of a celebration that will shadow all others
There are visitors from all across the world
So I ask this question to all my brothers
Are you going to the Upper-West fair?
Broken hearts never heal with time
They are only masked by new hearts
But still stings as if it still holds the darts
Remember me to the boy who hides there
He was once a young lustful lover of mine
Tell him I’ve forgiven all of his words
Without him I have come to learn that
Broken hearts never heal with time
There is a wish I pray for the gods to grant
Beg him to forgive everything I said
I haven’t stopped loving him all this time
For you see I loved him more than anybody
Nobody would ever love him like I did
He had his hand wrapped around my body
And I wanted it. From him I never hid
Whisper to the wind for my wish to come
I miss my days of craving some loneliness
I realize that letting him go was too dumb
For all I know now is heavy darkness
Tell him to find it in his heart his love for me
Broken hearts never heal with time
I know that his longing for me is there
Then he’ll know to be a lifelong love of mine
Without him I have never been able to love
I have forgotten what it feels like to flutter
My heart has fallen into a dark hollow cove
I’m scared that it will never again muster
Are you going to the Upper-West fair?
Broken hearts don’t know how to heal with time
Remember me to the boy who shines there
He once was carved into this heart of mine

Answer 1

I think it's pretty good for a fourteen-year-old. I'm only eighteen and just getting into poetry, so I've little room to talk. Being an English major, I pay close attention to grammar. There were a few iffy spots which, hopefully, you can clarify. Ex:



Broken hearts never heal with time

They are only masked by new hearts

But still stings as if it still holds the darts



The first two lines are fine, but in the third you intentionally or unintentionally change the subject ("hearts" to "heart") without changing the current thought. If you were to read these lines as two sentences - "Broken hearts never heal with time. They are only masked by new hearts but still stings as if it still holds the darts." For the third line, I believe you should either change the subject from the singular heart to the plural hearts (changing the sentence to: "They are only masked by new hearts but still sting as if they still hold the darts.") or transfer the singular heart, the subject, to the beginning of the line (so interrupting the continuation between the end of the second line and the beginning of the first; ex: "They are only masked by new hearts, but still it stings as if still holds the darts."); you don't have to change the line, but a few people (like me) may notice the inconsistency of subjects and too be perplexed.



I really liked reading the poem. Some of the lines I felt needed a pause, but that is more a matter of aesthetics than grammar. The last line, too, while makes sense logically, doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the poem. While the boy is ever-present in the narrator's heart, the "was" makes it seem as if the love is in the past (while, clearly, it is not). Instead of "once carved" try something like "is carved." (If you want, this is only a suggestion.) It gives the reader the visualization that, instead of being carved in the past, the boy is, right now, there in the heart.



Again, I enjoyed the poem. Much better than some of the others I've read by kids of similar age. Write on, dude!

Answer 2

Amazing

Answer 3

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Answer 4

I think it is pretty good.