What thinketh thou of one that sucketh less? Poem, that is?

Question

The old slippery elm log
Had been a great prize,
A gift left on the banks of a creek
After a brief spring storm
It was a bucking bronco, a tight-rope at a circus
A pirate ship to sail and win mud pie fights.

Sun warmed backs and log warmed bellies
And soothed to sleep
The cowboys and pirates who lived there
Until the bell sounded Supper.

Was it a million summer days we played
or just a million years ago?
But it stayed until the cowboys and pirates died,
And went on to live their lives.

Answer 1

Lovely memories well expressed. But I do agree in part with St N.

I started to want rhyme. The 2 starting lines maybe need to be adjusted with tighter alignment of the next phrases.



for example

The old slippery elm log,

fallen, but not from memory,

had been a great prize,

A gift left on the banks of a creek

After a brief spring storm

It was a bucking bronco,

a tight-rope at a circus

A pirate ship to sail

and win mud pie fights.



Some "the" words could be taken out. I'm not an editor but any revision will make this shine even more than it does now.



Great thtuff from Thee!

Answer 2

I envy the freely flowing fantasies of the young. I had them once. Where have they gone? The speaker has presented a delightful scene - of the forever, adventurous formation of a magnificent, inspirational log. Well done ♥

http://www.kingcounty.gov/environment/watersheds/central-puget-sound/miller-walker-creeks/~/media/environment/watersheds/images/central_puget_sound/miller_walker_creeks/Miller_nurselog.ashx



The old slippery elm log

Had been a great prize,

A gift left on A CREEK BANK

After a brief spring storm

Answer 3

It's good but I can't decide if it needs to have the rhythm smoothed out or what. It just feels rough to me. The first two lines have a good beat ant then it disappears. I'm not worried about rhyming. It just jars my feelings and yet I think the message is good and needs to be expressed.



Keep trying.

Answer 4

Aren't the imaginations of children a wondrous place?

Thank you for reminding me just how amazing we once could be, with so little at hand.

Answer 5

Reminiscing of summer camp? Excellent.

Answer 6

I like it very much, Bobby's girl, go girl go ! Keep the pencil going.

Answer 7

I really like this!!



and shhh....i still go play in the woods.....