Please fix my poem for school?

2009-03-08 17:37:56 UTC

Your poem is very expressive.

If I may, I made some revisions, line breaks makes 9 triplets of eight syllables per line, with an ending couplet, and punctuation makes your poem even more well defined as it flows better and holds your readers' attention and focus.:

There’s this girl that I really like,

But even when I try to get

at her, I end up getting spiked.

The more I try the more I lose.

The more I fight, the more i'm bruised.

But I know this is how life goes.

Sometimes, I just feel like I want

to be spirit free, shine and glow

to be worthy of her warm soul.

If she indeed is the one for me,

then it will so be meant to be.

You know i'd do anything!

But then I have horrid nightmares

about you and me; I just can’t

seem to flee the dreary dreams.

Can’t seem until you be ma boo.

I know when they say life goes on.

But I will stay with you till dawn.

When you ignore me, it hurts you;

I know you want to solve our issues.

Give me chances; I will succeed

But please forgive me because

you are all to me, what I need.

And I don't think it's over yet.

But I know you think it’s over.

Not yet; it hasn’t passed the border.

I know someday you will be mine.

We’ll be together,

until the sunshine.

?

2016-09-09 02:20:34 UTC

Okay. I write poetry myself. The challenge along with your writing is that you simply have got to attention your recommendations. You have an excessive amount of rhyming. Especially on your first poem.. You both have got to write in couplets (Two rhyming traces), ABCB kind (the moment and fourth line Rhyme), or no longer rhyme. True Friends are consistently there No topic, smiles or tears On the coldest, darkest, lonely day They support you combat your fears. My real peers understand the truly me, It's no longer approximately my vehicle. They'll move the gap, by some means, Their love will take me a ways. I proportion my secrets and techniques with my peers, They calm me while I throw a are compatible. And even if I do not love me, I understand that they love me, each and every bit. And while I check out explaining, My sorrow and my suffering. My peers stand by way of me, it doesn't matter what... Sunshine in the course of rain... Notice how the 2d and 4th traces paintings in combination, permitting the first and third to be unfastened kind. Poetry has many types. You don't have any doubt studied them in institution. None rhyme each and every line. Check out poets you prefer and seem at their kind. Rhyming each and every sentence takes away attention out of your recommendations, which might be well. Try and stick with a subject - like your peers poem. Getting off field confuses the reader, regardless of how smart the language.You begin out with a deep, middle felt line after which speak approximately shoelaces. (third poem) Decide on that you desire to write down. It would be humorous or deep, however do not combine the 2. Make a transparent tale out of what you write. Good good fortune! The handiest solution to come to be a poet is to write down poetry, so preserve expressing your self and searching for confident feedback! Hope this helped.

2009-03-07 11:06:39 UTC

If she really is the one for me, then it will BE meant to be (?) it will meant to be doesn't make sense...

like the random pace, like the syncopation, not sure about the "-" at the beginning of each line, or the spaces, you may want to rethink the spacing. Perhaps cluster them into verses, based on the thoughts at the time?

But I knwo this is how life goes: that's a new thought, perhaps a new stanza.

You know I'd do anything for you - new stanza

Oh sigh: you have to find your own stanza breaks because they come from the heart. I can't suggest them, you have to feel your way through to them.

All in all, a very sweet poem. Nothing new in it, but nothing new in love after only 20 million years anyway. it's honest, bravely honest. It's a good poem and full of heart.

2009-03-07 10:59:48 UTC

the shine and glow part needs to go.

maybe you should think of a new idea like instead of using yourself use a random guy who likes a random girl. the life goes on and I can't even stay with you till dawn part is kind weird. the overall poem has something, but it just doesn't flow.

Idk

2009-03-07 12:05:20 UTC

I like it. Doesn't seem like it need much change.