The post describes well the oncoming of a storm, and the expectation of it on behalf of the reader. Some attention should be paid to the tenses: the present tense is substituted by a sudden past tense. I understand that it is a logical jump from the beginning of the storm to the end of it. but still what has happened in between?
You have potential that someone may detect in your scripts. You only need to experiment more. Avoid to write explanations in your pieces and offer self confidence to yourself that will eventually transmit to your work.
I would like you to read some Emily Dickinson poems, and observe how fast and accurately she analyzes and finishes her themes.
Thank you for it!
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Summer Shower
by Emily Dickinson
A drop fell on the apple tree,
Another on the roof;
A half a dozen kissed the eaves,
And made the gables laugh.
A few went out to help the brook,
That went to help the sea.
Myself conjectured, Were they pearls,
What necklaces could be!
The dust replaced in hoisted roads,
The birds jocoser sung;
The sunshine threw his hat away,
The orchards spangles hung.
The breezes brought dejected lutes,
And bathed them in the glee;
The East put out a single flag,
And signed the fete away.
Emily Dickinson
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Little Exercise
by Elizabeth Bishop
For Thomas Edwards Wanning
Think of the storm roaming the sky uneasily
like a dog looking for a place to sleep in,
listen to it growling.
Think how they must look now, the mangrove keys
lying out there unresponsive to the lightning
in dark, coarse-fibred families,
where occasionally a heron may undo his head,
shake up his feathers, make an uncertain comment
when the surrounding water shines.
Think of the boulevard and the little palm trees
all stuck in rows, suddenly revealed
as fistfuls of limp fish-skeletons.
It is raining there. The boulevard
and its broken sidewalks with weeds in every crack,
are relieved to be wet, the sea to be freshened.
Now the storm goes away again in a series
of small, badly lit battle-scenes,
each in "Another part of the field."
Think of someone sleeping in the bottom of a row-boat
tied to a mangrove root or the pile of a bridge;
think of him as uninjured, barely disturbed.
Elizabeth Bishop