What do you think of this poem I wrote?

Question

I wrote this poem for the girl I love, but now she doesn't love me, but I will always love her.

Hidden Feelings:

I hunger for your presence.

Lonliness and time is of the essence.
Overcoming the days and nights.
Vunerable to do everything right.
Even though it causes me much pain.

You're the only one I have to gain.
Only if you can find the hidden feeling from within.
Until that day, I be waiting for you then.

Answer 1

That poem will not make her love you. Makes you sound like a stalker.

Answer 2

I understood your poem the minute I saw it was an "acrostic". Yes, your poem did have a hidden message and the reason the others may have missed it is because they were not "expecting" you to know what you were doing because it didn't "seem" like you constructed it correctly (the stanza breaks looked out of place). What they "should" have done was to give you the benefit of the doubt and tried to see "why" the stanzas weren't as you'd expect...if they "had", they'd have seen the "I love you" of the acrostic and understood the hidden meaning.



That being said, you have a couple hard spots in the poem itself. For example, "why" is lonliness and time of the essence? You say that "until that day I be waiting for you then" (which is another line you "really" need to revise), so what's the hurry? In other words, you need to make sure there is agreement between your concepts and lines.



So you know, this poem didn't have to rhyme. You could have done this as free verse and probably expressed your feelings more accurately. However, since you tried to do a rhymed poem, let's continue...



"Vunerable"? did you mean "vulnerable"? and if you did, why were you "Vulerable" to do everything right? You see, it's important to not only pick a word that starts with the right letter, you need to make sure it "belongs" in the line on its own merit. I'm not sure Vulnerable does.



I'd also change "the hidden feeling from within" to "the hidden message I penned within".



"until that day..." I told you'd we be back here. "I be waiting"??? no way. I've thought about another way to say this with "then" and I'm drawing a blank. Maybe you should chage the preceeding line so it can end with a different word? I'm not sure, but this one just doesn't work (and it's not even proper English).



So, I'd give you a 6 out of 10 for the poem, because in spite of the poetic errors, you did a decent job at an acrostic...one which in spite of giving clues to the readers, most of them missed. (their fault, not yours).



Just so you know, another way to draw attention to the "secret" message in an acrostic is to build your stanzas so they sound like they belong together...then the reader wonders why there are different number of lines with each stanza and it draws them in. However, "your" method should have worked...maybe the last line cost you some credibility, I'm not sure.



In any event, nice job...edit and keep writing!

Answer 3

Tell me which sounds better.



I'd like a sandwich please...



I'd like a ham and cheese on whole wheat, no mayo, extra lettuce and tomato, and don't forget the pickle.



Which 'description' makes you believe what the person is saying? The first one sounds like someone who wouldn't care one way or another what kind of sandwich they want (or if they even want one, maybe it's only a second choice for them.) The second makes you believe that they know what they want and desire and are doing their best to get it.



Poetry is the same way. The more vague the poet is, the less the poem is believed. The more direct, specific, concrete the poem, the more convincing it is.



What is 'hunger'?

What is 'time'?

What is 'lonliness'?

What 'hidden feelings'?



Those aren't words, they are catch-all baskets. There is a difference between the words 'music' and the words 'Def Leppard' or LeAnn Rimmes'.



There is a difference between 'I am still hungry' and 'I hold the plate up to my face and eagerly lick the crumbs that have remained, until not even the wetness of my tonuge, which dries so readily after each passing, can be found. Still, I remain unsatisfied.'

Answer 4

What do I think of this poem you wrote?



I do appreciate what you were doing. As Kevin pointed out.



I think "check spelling" is an option for you. It will make your effort more credible. Spelling, in my opinion, has nothing to do with intelligence. So just use "check spelling." I use it, and I'm a pretty good speller. So, no embarrassment there for you to use it.



Moving on, the poem lacks cohesion. "Only if you can find the hidden feeling from within." does exactly what poetry does not do. It fails to communicate. It challenges the subject of your poem to decode some puzzle. Instead of being a vehicle of communication and being "known" you have constructed a mystery for your reader and your object of affection.



Poetry is meant to communicate, not obfuscate.



So, I think, as to your last line, you will be waiting forever.



This is what I think of the poem you wrote.

Answer 5

Good, I think you should maybe try to put it into a song structure. Work on it somemore. I think you're off to a good start here.. Establish a rhyme pattern for a song. Build a strong chorus. It is short, it can be much longer..........

Answer 6

Sounds like you or the subject is hiding something...it sounds more like a jumbled question than a poem.

Answer 7

I think it's a great poem i write poems myself it's alot of fun

Answer 8

So sad and broken heart, the nex poem?

Answer 9

It's beautiful, I like it. It would do pretty well as a song. And it's got good feeling.

Answer 10

That was really nice, i really liked it. Good job!