What changes would you like to make to my poem?

Question

She took the seat
next to the window.
The window was cold
the sky empty,
there's a trolley dolly in the
aisle, She ordered
Gin and tonic
with a twist of ......
'He didn't need anything.

She put her wrist
against the cold
window glass,
her wooden heart
felt warm with the dawn
He smiled at her,
with her other hand
She's clutching her G&T
with a twist of ....... And
swallows it whole.
He's talking now, ' ranting,
trying to quarrel
perhaps
She dose as normal
go's quiet with a lump her throat
fighting back the tears .
She curls up in the firs-class seat
rolls her eyes, shakes her head
and thinks this is to far to long .
She looks to her left
the light outside the window changes
she can see the empty shore
blue sky and the ocean .
He blocks the window with his head
and said
''Look; 'we're here' , ''I love you darling
She thinks 'Thank God ....


Thanks in advance

Answer 1

If its one thing i dont enjoy doing it would be changing peoples poems, i see a few possible ones but no i'm not going there. Title? A TWIST OF ICE.



Let me take this opportunity to say i was held fast (interesting)) by what you have put to type.

Answer 2

I agree with Marten, but do think if you ever get to a stage of editing Caz,

it would do you good, almost a spiritual journey of sorts, there is a wonderful

Proverb about iron sharpening iron.....bleed it, bleed your poetry

Answer 3

Fervent, very effective descriptions composed.

I enjoyed reading this.

Answer 4

I don't know where I would change your view of your world. It has a good feel and flow for me, thanks for sharing.