Have you any suggestions please for improving my poem, comments also welcome, thanks?

Question

Have you any suggestions please for improving my poem, comments also welcome, thanks?

Answer 1

I had posted my answer this morning...you were probably fast asleep at that time :)



Though very few of my questions have been deleted as violation of sorts, getting one's answers removed is equally hurtful, believe me!



Y!A's giving sops like double-your-points...but mindlessly deleting worthy questions isn't going to bring in more footfalls here.



I can't reproduce the same answer with the same feelings (you know, the first love kind of thing ;))...but like I said, " You bring ALIVE a picture almost Magically with your words!"



"Pshaw!" On your detractors...sticking out my tongue too :P

Answer 2

Cassie, you have rewritten your first verse word-for-word exactly as I suggested in my first answer to this - right down to the punctuation. (With the possible exception of inverted commas around "shown" in line 4.)





L2, V2 - "remembrance of the dead at rest."



L3, V2 -"A deal!", I said. (You've placed the end quotes in the wrong place.)



L3, V2 - "with tender touch" - it doesn't sound so stunted. Comma after "pay".



L1, V3 - "watercolour" all one word.



L4, V3 - "alive and ever-dancing free."



L3, V3 - "I see her in the morning light, she smiles and waves her hand at me." ('Though she wouldn't wave her leg, so you might consider reworking this.)



Synopsis has also made some valid points.





"Mina" seems to be a reactivated account of "you-know-who". Last time he impersonated a female (that I know of), it was a widowed granny in her 70s - now it's a 98 year old. Makes a change from 16 year old boys 'though. Is there no end to his madness I wonder?



The answer is obviously "no", going by his latest rant. A testament to an unstable mind in meltdown - how sad. And he's still insulting you, Cassie - saying, essentially, that you need a psychiatrist. How ironic, considering the latest display of his desperate obsession with you.



And may I just point out, Peter/Darren/James/Mina, that Cassie has come to her own conclusions about you based on how YOU have behaved towards her, NOT because of anything I or anyone else may have said. Do you understand? You and you alone are responsible for your current state of disfavour. There is no plot against you, I have not waged a campaign against you, I have emailed no one in order to bad-mouth you - in the main I do not even give you a second thought - except when you compel me to rebut your absurd flights of fantasy, as is now the case.

Answer 3

Yes Cassie, it's good that you've reposted. Keep reposting but you don't have to repost right away, a week shall have blown off steam a bit making your poem more visible. I'd wait for things to settle down first but will definitely post.

Answer 4

Hi Cassie, I'll try again with another answer. Who are these weirds who trash a completely acceptable poem? Your poem has done what mine failed to do - that is to capture in poetry the essence of a painting. My Watercolour Christ failed but yours has more than just succeeded. If a picture paints a thousand words then your poem colours in many different hues - fabulous. I wouldn't alter it at all. The last two lines are the icing on the cake. Thanks for sharing and taking the trouble to give it to the world again.

Answer 5

What about this lovely work could receive a violation? I was under the impression that two people had to report a question and for the life of me I cannot see anything here against "rules".

I wish the painter could know the admiration she inspired in you. The last line is a tribute every painter would wish for. As always Cassie you have taken me on a walk with you.

Answer 6

I can't remember if I answered this ? lol you no what I'm like ....Its just another one of you great poems Cassie . I love it thank you for posting this again :)

Answer 7

I missed this yesterday, thanks for putting it back up, those of us who are sporadic need to read and sometimes miss these when they are deleted.

When someone targets you it is usually because they are "jealous" and if it is not jealousy, it is just plain ignorance or a combination of the two.



I love old pictures that pull me into them, I think the mark of a good one is the ability to let us go into it and walk around, thank you for sharing.

Answer 8

I've had a lot of violations over this Christmas. I have contested them all, and over half have been re-instated.



There is no way that any editor can justify removing this piece; I hope you intend to complain.



It is a good idea - pictures which have slipped off the popular radar are as useful a topic for a poem as any other kind of cultural amnesia. For the most part it is effectively done.



I think there are quite serious register problems here - surprisingly severe for a poster with as keen an ear as you usually show. ('Register' is how 'posh' the language is - the difference between "I wonder would you mind closing the door." and "Shut the gate, were you born in a stable?").



'leave me broke' is playfully slangy, and very downmarket. There isn't necessarily anything wrong with this, but when you move back to 'silken, scarlet skirts' only two lines later - there is a comical shift of tone (rather like Arthur Haynes used as the backbone of his otherwise slight comedy).



Again:



"The artist known as Freddie Jeynes" makes it sound as if you are accusing her of painting under an alias. This is an odd calumny to level at a woman whose only crime - probably - is having gone out of vogue.



There are some lovely touches of course:



though soldiers' blood still bleeds in red.



makes one pause for all the right reasons.



But there are too many (for me) inscrutable strange choices of word. Why does her spirit 'dwell within' its frame. We 'live in' as a rule, the only person of my immediate acquaintance I can associate with expressions like 'dwell within' is the trainee spiritualist who used to be married to by (now dead) cousin.



Maria reeks must - she is the oldest person I know who is younger than I am. And on occasion this poem seemed similarly fusty.



That was a shame. It is a good idea - and a lot of the basic structure is sound.

Answer 9

Morning Cassie beautiful write, and I too am glad you re-posted.



Admittedly I may have seen this a little differently than others, but not in such an abstract sense.

My initial reaction was this "Artist" was multi talented, and whether or not it was/is fact, this piece

caused me to feel as if music resounded from the art, which then has become your artful way of singing us into your work. I loved it.

Hugs.

Answer 10

I read this and gave an answer yesterday..It is beautiful..

These senseless violations are why I tread softly and don't post here..Everyone I have had contact with is a lovely person and all the violations I got were a mystery to me too..I like the way you bounce back and re-post..Bravo for poem and for being a Lady with determination....

Answer 11

Liam, another lovely bit of verse and I would make few changes, the largest being perhaps deleting the line 'I could stay forever, blinded by pureness.' The sudden shift in register and sensibility is a bit jarring and the poem seems to flow well without it; the sense of the expunged line is implied by the conclusion of the poem and its general tone. What of this for an amended version?: The Beach. Paradise finds me alone on the beach, Standing at water's edge, The moon casting a shadow over the world. Heaven is within my reach, Gentle waves calmly caressing my feet; Breezes tickle my earlobes, As sand trickles slowly through my fingertips, Where love and light meet. I stand undisturbed, feeling no pain, Numbed to the core by the sight, Soothed only by the cool rain, Watching the waves crashing and breaking, Signalling the start of a new day, My heart relieved, free from aching, As I turn and walk away. Either way, it was a fine poem, suggesting that in a life where we are asked to bear much, we find solace in life's ancient certainties. Lovely work Liam...

Answer 12

This is my first visit back in a while, but I am sure happy I stopped by to check out this poem,

bc it is so well said and written, as usual, Cassie, as you have such a beautiful way with words.

But, for what reason, would this get a violation for? I do not understand, as this IS the poetry

section, is it not? So WHY is it a violation? For posting your poem? I really wish someone

would explain this to me, and have an answer that makes sense~huh~

and I also, am happy you reposted, giving me a chance to read your work in motion! thanks~

btw, I love what this poem is saying and portraying, and a piece of yesterdays history to ponder.

I especially love it's ending, that very last line is so beautiful and even felt. Great, once agai!.

Answer 13

What a dirty shame, Chris! And sorry the artist is dead, but might your painting grace the cover of your book? Wouldn't this make a great introductory poem??? (I prefer the original; just seems more fluid, but she's your creation.)

Answer 14

A poet need not seek suggestion for improving his or her poem to be composed as I think.You are writing poems.This is enough.Your poems are fine I access always.This poem is also a beautiful one no doubt.

Answer 15

I thought it was beautiful yesterday.It's just as beautiful today

why it would be violated is just sad.

Answer 16

I don't know why anyone would remove your beautiful work!