New Poem(s) .. Tell me what you think?

Question

Hi, Im 13, and Ive really been into poetry lately. Here's a new one, tell me what you think? Feel free to give constructive criticism or put your opinion in. I will also put a link to my other poem I recently put up. Oh and someone asked me if I was suicidal judging from my other poem, and no im not.(:

Link to other poem >>

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AlQ.7bRAXXrLQF3BorsvJe7sy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20100728181136AAaIshR

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Here's my new poem.
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Look at your face, your twisted face.
All the lies, all the disgrace.

You didn't have a chance to erase all the clues.
Dont act like it wasnt you.

And you came in acting like you were welcome,
And why dont you go ahead and tell them.

Yeah thats right, you were wrong.
So now im singing this stupid song.

Yeah the knifes and blood, glass and ash,
I'm suffocating, sitting here hating,

How much longer should we go through this,
Yeah dont act like it wasnt a kiss,

You came in my heart,
Tore it apart,

Left the traces of you,
Oh i know its true,

Your fake - yeah - fake as can be,
I cant believe I let you lie to me.
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Im not real sure what I think of this poem.^
I think I like my other better.
Again, feel free to put in your opinion!
Thanks!

Answer 1

I must say that for a 13 year old, this is really good. I don't like it because I LOVED it! ;)



A few things that stood out. One, I really liked the rhyming scheme. Two, to go along with that great rhyming, the poem also has great flow & rhythm. Three, I liked how you incorporated metaphors into your poem. Plus, you paint a pretty powerful imagery with the knives, bloods, glass, and ash bit.



I liked your other poem too. One thing I've noticed with this poem I just commented & the other poem is that you're very good at expressing yourself with words. You're very good at painting a picture & telling it like it is.



Being able to rhyme, have good rhythm, use metaphors effectively, and have a way with words are all hallmarks of a great writer, and you do have all those qualities. So no doubt, I do see amazing talent in you.



My rating for this poem would be a 9/10. Still an A in my books. My rating for your other poem would be a solid 10/10, a definite A+. Regardless of the rating, they're both extremely well written. Great job! Keep at it! :)

Answer 2

Only one word wrong, but the poem was fantastic. I see that you are only 13 and you are basically starting out the same way I did. It doesn't need to be perfect though. I can get the whole plot behind it and that's what a poet does: They always try their best to paint a descriptive picture

with their words. You got that down and that's all that matters. Your other one was very nice, too.

Answer 3

Nice to see you Sue.. The poem gives a lovely image, and one day we will see what our eyes could not fully see here on earth. We will experience in fullness the true ending won't we?! I know it will be one that is filled with joy and many surprises.

Answer 4

the only thing I see is Knives not knifes, but I don't really understand the ash and glass part, kind of lost me there, otherwise, it's good.