Please comment on my poem: Sad Love Sadness?

Question

Sad Love Sadness

Throughout the nights he does not sleep
He just looks at her pictures on his phone
He bangs his head for her quite a lot
He always sings his sad sad song

It's been some time since she's been with someone
She lives upstairs where she sings alone
No one knows where she hides on Valentine's Day
She'll be singing her 'lone sad song

On Halloween's he rang her bell
"Trick or treat? I don't know if you can come with me home
We need to stop singing these sad songs"
"Take my hand let's start our love song"

Answer 1

While the "story" that this wants to wrap itself around is poignant I wasn't so happy with the presentation.



No offense, just sayin.



The entire thing should be based on the girl upstairs who is heard to sing, even though alone. Just an opinion.



I think the use of "He" is S 1 is over done. I think "just" in L 2 isn't needed.

I think I'd totally do away with "bangs his head for her quite a lot" Find another way to say what he feels in his angst, assuming hers.



I'd probly not use sings his sad song but allude to the fact that he hears her singing, and relates, maybe just mouthing her words.



Not sure either if i'd use Valentines day, and certainly would not use Halloween. You might allude to the fact that she spends holidays alone, or she has no one in her life to celebrate with.



I'd not mix up the words, "come with me home"

I also might not state he knows she sings sad songs in the way you did, and definitely would not use the word "love". The meeting, the illusion, the emotions, should just start with understanding, being in the same mind set, "Friendship" hopefully blooming.



Sorry to impose my thoughts, but I saw it differently than you did.

Answer 2

this could quite make me unpopular however that's actually. I continuously choose the reality, however I choose it to make sense. the dissimilar persons I quite have met suitable right here furnish what I assume is nice-which potential advice, however their suggestions could smash the poem in innumerable strategies. If I have been much less experienced and much less gifted, i could now no longer come across this worrying, however I ceased being green years in the previous. If every person does now no longer purely like the poem's concept or language, i could decide for to take heed to why. If every person thinks the syntax is strained, tell me why. yet you will extra effective understand what it extremely is you're speaking approximately, on condition that I quite have have been given to manage to be knowledgeable some project from you in the form you latest advice. regrettably, that not often happens till I quite have the properly fortune to catch Hypocorism in an off 2d and he stops to look into and respond. in case you like what I write and decide for to compliment me, it extremely is fantastic. in case you certainly latest a theory that's good-gifted, even extra effective. in case you latest me rubbish that demonstrates no longer something however how little care you're taking with words and propose I do the equivalent, then shame on you. Tact could be very regular, don't get me incorrect. yet ultimately, i could decide for to look some good-gifted assessment of poems and considerate suggestions. i've got given extra effective than my share, and now i will wait to look what number others can, or will, adjust to. How's that for actuality?!

Answer 3

Idk I personally didn't like it to much :I Sorry