what do you think of my poem? I NEED OPINIONS PLEASE!!?

Question

i heart…

i heart singing in the car with chase to hero/heroine.
this makes me very happy.
because i love singing like no one is listening.
it's amazing how one's perspective changes when they decide
that the only thing we can influence is this very moment,
and choose to use that moment to it's very fullest...
i heart acting like i'm in the army with hannah in my pantry.
this makes me feel blessed.
because everyone needs to be a little kid sometimes.
It’s not very often you can act like a complete dork with someone
and know that you will never regret it because
nothing can replace the fun you had…
i heart talking to my parents on their bed at night.
this makes me thankful.
because no matter how many times they tell me to go to my own bed
i know and they know that times like that is the most precious
of all and although we can’t stop time,
we know that time can’t stop us…
i heart the simplicity of everything.
this makes me feel peaceful.
because this reassures you that although the world is constantly changing,
the sky is the limit—for those who choose to not conform
and to dare
and to take risks
and to wake up and smell the coffee
and realize that life is…simply beautiful…when we decide it is.

Answer 1

I think this poem is beautiful. It is heartfelt and warm. I was really wondering if you wrote it or got it from a movie or something. :)

I love the way you say "I heart". I think it is simply adorable and the message is clear and concise.

The honesty and openess in this piece is amazing. You give us a glimpse of the most treasured moments in your life. I don't know how old you are, but this piece is written by someone who has the maturity to realize that childhood doesn't last forever and to treasure every moment. This is a 'sieze the day' message and I think all of us can relate in one way or another.

I wouldn't change a thing.

This poem made me smile. :)

Answer 2

It's a good start.



Break it down into sections, and separate each part with a line of space to make it make visual sense. This will help the reader not get lost in the words.



Give it some kind of rhythm, like with the repeating phrase you started to do ("this makes me feel...") but keep the wording consistent. Keep the beginning of each section consistent or make it distinctly different unless you're intentionally throwing the reader off by switching wording, which I don't think you are.



Is this a school poem? The teacher might not appreciate your use of "heart." If it's for personal use, go for it. But with school stuff, sometimes you have to suck it up and cater to what the teacher wants to get the grade (then re-write everything just to spite them:)).



Although I'm not often one to judge what is/isn't poetry, right now this reads like a paragraph broken into lines. Take each section (from "i heart..." to "this makes me...") and work it separately. Read them out loud to yourself.



Don't be afraid to rewrite! Keep an original copy of the poem, then massacre the entire thing. If you don't like the changes, start over again. To make this poem really wonderful, you need to put a lot of time into it. It's like carving a statue from a block of marble. You need to keep chiseling and shaping until you don't have just a pretty statue, but a masterpiece full of detail. If you decide to rewrite, post another draft, and I'll be glad to read it :)

Answer 3

a poem should be able to relate to more than one person.

honestly it needs some work.