Is this poem well written, critiques welcome?

Question

Purgatorio e Paradiso

The Year was 1450 in the glaze of Italy
Where I read the divine words of Dante Alighieri
With his story of the Inferno I decided to go
And the Angels trumpeting glow
The pagan souls and their wicked
Trapped in the burning thicket
All burn and all wept
They were mostly ex-communicate
The Towers of Purgatory rein ten
But the Gates of Heaven rise to eleven
The schismatic souls lie on level one
The apostates lie on their dirty pun
Mock the Lord and he shall grip them
For he shall bless but then shall condemn
The fall of Lucifer brought the mount of the Condemn
Under the holy city Jerusalem
It was and is the only rock in the south
It holds the curses of the world in its mouth
I sail to it and appear to its shores
Where I sneak into its gates and go through its corridors
I see the demons and pagans as guards
Keeping all souls under Lucifer’s regard
Going down to the bowels of the Layers
I found his sword in the crowd of his entertainers
To the Heavens Gates is the continuation of my journey
Where I finally met the great fantastical poet Dante Alighieri
He revealed to me his most precious works like the heavenly doves
Not revealed even to the one he most loved
They were Divine, like when the Angels play
And were in the royal hall’s of God’s palace on display
They were the most cherished
And quenched even the most famished
For the words were like life them self
That held all magic and even soul delve
I departed the heavenly place with a sigh
Giving God, Dante and all his Angels a goodbye
I treaded down the golden stairs
Reaching down to the Italian shores near the fire working flairs
In the season of light
Our love for this kingdom allowed us to fight
The village was calm
In the mid of night’s palm
I spoke, “The is the Italia I know”
“I am finally home”

I shall miss my God that keeps all the demons at bay
But my soul shall re-unite with thee one day
I shall go on with the rest of my life
Going through all the mere human petty strife
But through the years
I shall listen to the Angel trumpeters
With their Harps and attitude of gay
The joy of the Holy Land shall create many fay
Under God’s will many shall prosper
Under him, our work will luster
Our crops and our culture shall be envied by many
But if we rebuke Yahweh, we shall not gain any
We shall perish like the demons cast
And will be thrown into oblivion, just a figment of the past
Our fellow rise to praise his glory
For it shall be a great opus of symphony
Out with the evil that insult our name
For they only bring the land to shame
The Year was 1450 in the glaze of Italy
Where I read the divine words of Dante Alighieri
With his story of the Inferno I decided to go
And with the Angels trumpeting glow
The pagan souls and their wicked
Trapped all in the burning thicket
All burn and all wept
They were mostly ex-communicate
The Towers of Purgatory rein ten
But the Gates of Heaven rise to eleven

THE END

Answer 1

I first read your poem approximately one fortnight past, and at that time made the following general suggestions for its improvement;



How could you improve it? You could equalize line lengths and make your rhythm more regular, in keeping with your subject, a classical one. You probably should aim to make stanzas shorter because I've been told it improves readability. What of breaking each stanza into two stanzas? If I were going to zero in on the things that would improve the poetic quality of your project, it would be to:



1) Narrow your scope; do not try to summarize the content of 67 cantos of terza rima, but pick one canto, write a poem that moves beyond mere description of content to allusion. Your poem should obliquely refer to one scene, or canto, not give an overview of all of them. See how Eliot proceeds in 'The Wasteland' and you will get the gist of it.



2) Work for a defined and consistent rhythm that imparts a musicality to your poem. Its presence heightens the aesthetic quality of your verse, and if handled properly also augments its meaning.



3) In a poem that refers to Dante's masterwork, it is probably best not to include the poet's name. If you manage allusion correctly, your well-heeled readers will recognize your sources.



Those observations are still, in my opinion, useful and valid guidelines. Keep writing, but also studying the craft of poetry, and do not be bamboozled by the folks who would tell you it is merely a matter of emoting. It is a powerfully cognitive enterprise, and though men of superior intelligence so completely combine the two strains of temperament as to make them indistinguishable and inseparable, the cultivation of one at the expense of the other guarantees the other will not survive. I adduce as evidence your detractor, and would wish you drop the matter and leave him in the dirt, where he rightfully belongs. He has chosen it.

Answer 2

the two you rhyme or you do no longer, there is not any in-between you may replace the form fairly for it to glean The topic is amazingly inspiring, even with the indisputable fact that, and the imagery is concise some words like "brindled", "hedgerow", "cowslip", makes it much less precise Poetry 4/10 topic 8/10 Edit - i did no longer prefer to flow into information as i've got been warned for being too extreme. i assumed i could be like definitely all and sundry else, in order that boringly wide-unfold. in line with probability I could eliminate my score as this could nicely be a reason for most of the hating. yet, in case you insist, it fairly is my assessment, the unquestionably. 1st verse - "warmth haze hovers" is a tongue tornado L2 & L4 are rhymed 2d verse - L1 & 3, L2 & 4 have matching rhyme. bleached. look. scorched brook. third Verse - L2 & 4 do no longer rhyme arch & parched 4th Verse rose-bay willow herb: The Willow-herbs (Epilobium), 9 species of that are natives of great Britain "in cowslip" ?? Cowslip could examine with: flowers. Primula veris, a flowering plant generally familiar as cowslip and primrose; Cowslip ( Primula veris ) is community for the time of maximum of temperate Europe and Asia. In northern Belgium 5th verse - To be pedantic L1 & 3, L2 & 4 rhymed employing "final letter" rhyming scheme. Edit (2) - ok, the herbs replaced into merely suggested through fact it did no longer look attainable. Prof challenge has tiptoed contained in the process the tulips to grant you harsh grievance. Edit (3) - i could admit, even with the indisputable fact that i did no longer see it formerly each and every thing, you have a type no longer well-known to me. The putting of the observe "and" in Line 3 of each and every verse, is often seen as superfluous and undesirable because it ruins the process poetical bypass. New score (hehehe) Poetry 8/10 topic 8/10

Answer 3

kind of hard to follow. I suggest breaking it up more making it easier to read.