anyone can read my poem giver me an input(comment and reviews)?

Question

Teenage Love Story Messed UP

I never wanted but it rained
from this world for this new river
from somewhere water was drained
it started flowing and we flowed with it

but you are vanishing from these eyes
all those stories seems like lies
and yes soon i realized
why people say love makes you cry

another teenage story is messed up
one more heart is broken

If i could i surely would have
cleared this fog hiding you from me
today i feel like a bird caged,
praying from the god for just
one second of its life to be able
to touch this beautiful sky

one more teenage love story is messed up
today one more heart is broken

we flowed the way this river wanted
never a word was revealed
the blowing winds separated you from me
today this god seems to be so mean
but in this heart i thought about you,
many times cried to the god to spend a single minute with you
and yes i know,somewhere in you heart you loved me too

here comes the turn in our way
you go the pacific ocean and i go the Indian ocean way
but our boat is not made of clay
it will not break the way this world say
but yes one more time to this god i pray
i want to be with you,plz don't turn us this way


but this world would never allow us to be together
another teenage love story is messed up
today one more heart is broken
in this heart a bomb is thrown by the world nuclear powers
why things happen the way we never want

I remembered the way last time i said bye
with that smile on your face you replied
may be my love is not so important for you
but i always cared for you and you
bye my sweetheart,my love
forever and ever i will miss you

another teenage loved story is messed up
one more heart is broken...

Answer 1

Hey man nice poem, only a few things I didn't like.

"here comes the turn in our way

you go the pacific ocean and i go the Indian ocean way

but our boat is not made of clay

it will not break the way this world say

but yes one more time to this god i pray

i want to be with you,plz don't turn us this way"

I felt like this stanza just went on too long, the one rhyme didnt seem to fit with the rest of your poem.

"in this heart a bomb is thrown by the world nuclear powers"

You should reword that, I think I get what it's saying but as it is it doesn't make much sense.

There are a few grammar mistakes here and there, my other main concern is spelling. I know this is just yahoo answers, but when displaying a poem never leave "I's" uncapitalized and don't write "plz" instead of please

Answer 2

No offense and thanks to share your effort, but messed up might best describe this, (Not in your sense or sentiment) just in the way it's formatted and so cliche.



The good news is that young love can grow old, and I don't mean that in any negative sense. If ya live to be 100 you might love to live and live to love a dozen times or more.

Answer 3

very creative. i like this happy song