A poem about secrets, please will you critique or comment on it, thank you?

Question

And Not One Word


There were secrets in his bureau, locked inside a drawer.
They hid both pain and sorrow, an everlasting sore.
His choice was not to share, so he placed them in the dark
and there they stayed in camouflage not leaving any mark.

The key revealed a brother, a younger one he had.
A photo of them laughing when each was just a lad.
A bundle of old letters in bold and steady hand
sent by his only sibling, from a distant far off land.

The official post a bombshell, news that he was dead.
Killed by a single bullet, directly to the head.
Along with all his medals, condolences were sent
from all in his battalion, ev'ry one of them was meant.

Why would he keep a silence? Too painful to confess
his motive to conceal it, a measure of distress.
His loved ones thought they knew him, but this another side.
A part they couldn't understand, long after he had died.


13/13/13/14 - does it work?

Answer 1

I'd also prefer confinement to camouflage.



I wonder if this poem could be more poignant if the younger brother died by his own hand. I think it would make the concealment more readily accepted. It would also need few changes to the poem. But....this is just an idea.



However; this poem as it stands, is a wonderful effort Cassie.

Answer 2

I'm not too sure of the criticism by Fred on 'camouflage' - I have hidden things in drawers, which were also camouflaged (a nasty letter from a solicitor that I didn't want my wife to see for example). I'm not sure why you have used lower case to start the last line of the first three quatrains but you have capitalised the beginning of the last stanza's line. Apart from that the poem works well. It tells a very good story and reminds me of a true story that my mother told to me about her eldest brother who was killed in the last six weeks of WWI. A really good structured poem. Apart from the lower case query above I can't fault this.

Answer 3

This is an excellent heart full inner pain and from your very soul write .. if I was to say what my thought are about the Con Artist I get lots of grief from the men I think ... your poetry tells a good story I like this writ a lot thank you C :)

Answer 4

It works Cassie. Shakespeare himself, who is a pentametrician, in hamlet and his other works wrote these lines: "Grace me no grace, nor uncle me no uncle (Richard)",

"and by opposing end them. To die, to sleep" and "Hector! Where's Hector? I will none but Hector" and "Haste still pays haste, and leisure answers leisure", Like doth quit like, and measure still for measure". And this by Congreve: "comfort me, help me, hold me, hide me, hide me". It works the other way around as well by clipping pentameters such as this by Dockery and Son: "I fell asleep, waking at the fumes", or this by Byron "and his disguise with due consideration". Of course, the examples above are about pentameters with an extra syllable. For a 13-14 combination, it should work as well, if not better.

Answer 5

Excellent story/poem. I too had trouble with camouflage, especially in a drawer? Also had trouble on L3 in that you are assuming 'his choice not to share' but that is probably me. As to the beats, I could not tell the difference.

Answer 6

Cassie, you are so gifted on just how beautiful your poems flow,

so perfectly and still they rhyme besides! Amazing by far......

This is a beautiful one and also very sad.

A complete said story all made into a poem. Beautiful~

Answer 7

Not too keen on the pronunciation of 'drawer' as 'dror'. Why the repetition, apart from providing beat? 'Distant' and 'far off' are the same thing. 'Far off foreign land' perhaps. Needs work.

Answer 8

that was really good can you read mine



A Sonnet of Love

How long since I have seen your perfect face

With your beauty, sparkling eyes and grace

When, all things seemed simple and innocent

When love, could only be found pure and true

I could only see you when I dreamed

A humble girl wearing a pretty blouse

I hoped you were everything you seemed

I would give anything, even my house

To kiss your tender lips once again

I hope this can bring you back

So that you can give me the things I lack

I finish with two short, but honest lines

No man can be deserving of your love

Today, tomorrow, here or heav’n above

Answer 9

Works for me Ms. Cassie. You have such a way with a poignant story in verse. Layers of meaning.

Answer 10

camouflage doesn't work . . it's not disguised . . it's hidden away . . although it does lead one to the conclusion . .still , , I think it needs to be changed to "hiding" or "for years" or "solitude" or "seclusion"



Why would he keep "that" ailence? Too painful to confess(?) add a question mark there

his motive to conceal it, a measure of distress (?) again



sad sad . . very good stuff

Answer 11

Oh my Cassie of course it works and so much seems to be a connection in stream of consciousness today.



I think I've been to no less than two like this today. Thank you.

Answer 12

Captured pride and sorrow

Totally works Cassie....Reading every write, as you know..a bounty of thoughts here.

..I still shake my head and wonder how you do this.

Thank you, for all you share here.

Answer 13

It's difficult making a pain sense of poetry and making pain poetic. this poem has movement and rhythm .

if you know what I mean well I know what I mean lol .... good poem Cassie

Answer 14

Try substituting "confinement" for camouflage,

perhaps this would be less catchy.

A fine write anyway.

Answer 15

this was really good cassie. I really enjoyed this. I enjoy all your writes as a matter of fact haha

Answer 16

Secret sides are so... amazing sometimes... Nice poem!

Answer 17

I like this one Cassie, leaves one wondering....

Answer 18

Nice!!!