Helpful criticism wanted....for a first draft poem.

Question

The Hurricane Within

Deeper, sinking
Into the strangled confines
Of a soul
Drowning
In the twisted turmoil of a hurricane
Gasping winds howling
With each shattered breath
And the tears fall
In a monsoon

The body shudders and trembles
The screaming storm within
Rages on
Through turbulent breath, flooding tears
Lightning strikes the heart
Shattering in the torment
A violent fire ignites
Fear blazes, anger seethes
Shame and frustration burn
Like petrol set ablaze

Control lost
Torn away by sudden
Darkness and turmoil
Of mind and heart
Emotions rage in their hateful surge
Overcome and drowning
In the fires and the floods

Slowly the shedding tears cease
The body goes limp
Breath slows
The storm is passing
The fire extinguished
Fear fallen to shame
And in the calm
Destruction remains
In the calm real destruction begins

Eyes open to a beautiful face
Sad helpless smile
Shame and guilt rise
To sicken the heart
fueled by calm hatred
Holds a razor to the skin
Piercing soft pink flesh
Hypnotic wonder fills empty eyes
As first blood falls
Sweet relief sags the shoulders
She breathes again

Answer 1

The only suggestions I'd like to make are to use proper punctuation and maybe change a few enjambments here and there. Maybe break the fourth line in the second stanza for example:



The body shudders and trembles.

The screaming storm within

Rages on,

Through turbulent breath,

flooding tears.



As a personal comment: I thought this was a well stated form of what most people consider an emo poem. I usually don't care to read about self mutilation and all that but it is an epidemic many of our youths struggle with, and I thought your voice captured it better than any other "emo" poem I've read (thus far).

Answer 2

This is a very good poem which can be interpreted in several different ways. Well written!

I think perhaps if the last line was "She breathes once more" it may sound better but I like it as it is.

Answer 3

Edit out unneeded words, especially prepositions. Great imagery and a good progression of thought. These are not my favorite types of poems, but you have done well with this. Keep working on it to tighten the message and impact. My compliments.

Answer 4

I cannot criticise this dark moment that you have given to my spirit upon reading this. Very disturbing, it will be with me for days...



Oh, and just put that somewhere online with a (c) date and your name, okay?

Answer 5

Neonman is right. Take out half of the "the"...