Would you please read and give advice?

Question

I saw a tree with birds beside green leaves
In groups they take off reaching for clouds
But just to land again upon this planet of slobs
slaves the to limbs that hold them captive
Why is it that once we are free, we’re scared?
Once your feet lift from the ground,
We grow insecure, and like a powerful magnet
We are sucked right back down to land
With our roots planted deep into the ground
I saw a fly swarming around my friends and I
He’d take off but just to land beside on my hand
And there I felt a life that is short lived, like mine
He sits with me, with a few hours remaining
Poor fly, thinking I am worth a moment of his life
I would be the fly that’d die in the sky, no wait!
I am the one who returns every single time, what a pity
I am the one who is too scared to spread my wings
Once I am only a mere two feet above the concrete
I gently float back down, wishing only to start all over
I fear risking broken bones, and a broken heart
Even if my dreams were to slap me across the face
I wouldn’t follow. For when given the chance,
My hopes seem to always fly just too damn high

Answer 1

Needs some work. I would begin with the fly. There are a lot of generalities in the poem.



Planet of slobs, We grow insecure

We are sucked right back down to land.



Once we are free, we're scared.





Good points but it needs something. I bet it looks different on your paper because it is one long line after line here making it difficult to read. Break it up.



I would work on the last four lines. Does not flow as well as it could.





You are off to a great start. Good poetry takes time and a ton of writing and re-writing. You need to see what you can cut out to get the most from your use of words.



Some poems go on and on and the meaning becomes obscured. Simmer down your thoughts and you will have a more flavorful work of poetry.

Answer 2

I'm just about the last person in the world that should critique poetry. All I can say is to be sure that you read plenty of poetry, too. A friend of mine insisted that he couldn't read poetry because it would influence and distort his own (huh?). But I heard a poet on TV say that if you want to write poetry, you should also read it.



The friend self-published a couple of small books but he realized it had become an obsession. I visited him one evening and he told me to look in the bag outside his door. He made the decision to stop, dropped his typewriter out a second floor window onto the alley, and then went outside to beat it with an iron bar. The result was in the bag. It was hilarious. Then he got married, bought a house, and they seem happy. But no more poetry from him. For now.

Answer 3

close your eyes spread your wings and jump, don't look back. If you only ever see the street lights at night you'll never see the stars behind them. Life is to short to spend all your time regretting and worrying. Look to the future, its unwritten, you have the pen.

Answer 4

Wow, very nice, but never let ur hopes fly 2 far away, or they will never come back, same goes with ur dreams.