Can you please C/C Rosie/Soc Collab Poem: Hawaii is so far from England?

Question

QUESTION: Can you please C/C this poem - a collab effort??
NOTE: two Hawaiian terms are defined in footnotes - they are very G rated......
thanks



Hawaii is so Far from England


Ohana (1) means family, Hale (2) is home
Gold threaded rays where memories roam
No concrete jungle or darker unknown
Hazy rush hour traffic, blank feeling alone

Clarion call found in seashells
In the gongs of Buddhist bells
In tamed palm trees (3)
Praying on their knees

Boards brought to the pipeline
Birthplace of surfing – waves are fine
No rush to be in any other place
Just live, love, enjoy this time and space

Hushed chords of fishing boats, a breeze that flows
Lets loose of frustration, but rekindles old hope
Finger trails of salt, miry sand beneath toes
No lacklustre fate or thinning footrope

I feel so lost in the concrete of the city
Gum, tobacco on sidewalks not pretty
Memories of the sound of hushed chords
the roar of ocean, the fishing boats

Eternal summer's kiss leaves skin aglow
Absence of detachment, no life on loan
Heart opens a flower, spare posing a show
Ohana means family, Hale is home

I seem so disconnected to those days
It seems lost in a blur – a haze
Home is not really in England - no home to call home
No matter where I roam

In my mind I am walking across on the wet sand
Where the sea meets the land
Footprints left on the beach
Waves now reach

My trail that goes into the sea is washed away
I have gone back home for another day


© Rosie and Soc the Poetic Warrior 2012



1) Part of Hawaiian culture, ʻohana means family in an extended sense of the term, including blood-related, adoptive or intentional. It emphasizes that families are bound together and members must cooperate and remember one another. The term is cognate with (and its usage is similar to) the New Zealand Māori term whānau.

In actual Hawaiian culture the term ʻohana is strictly used for blood relations. Non-familial groupings always instead use the word "hui".

In Hawaiian, the word ʻohana begins with an ʻokina, indicating a glottal stop.





ha·le
3    [hah-ley]
noun
(in Hawaii) a simple thatched-roof dwelling.




(3) http://us.123rf.com/400wm/400/400/logos/logos0612/logos061200031/657899-a-bent-palm-tree-extending-over-the-water-at-sunset-in-hawaii-this-is-an-excellent-shot-for-a-backgr.jpg

Answer 1

Soc



I liked the poem. Good job. It is difficult to critique this because we already know what our wonderful new poet Rosie posted, and I can tell where you immersed your professional poetry into its discourse. Had this been a new effort and not of recent variety, where I already saw your c/c of her poem, them I would be less Crucial I guess. But still, it was a good effort on your part, and you were still able to tie in your story with Rosie's. For that I have to give you credit



I hope in the future when she gets more experience you can start a-new and perform another duet!



Congrats!

_______________________________________________________

Answer 2

Augmenring my initial c/c., perhaps in stanza 7,Line3 -

it might be a `Less is more ` in thus effective collaboration to write,

`Home is not here in England - no home to call home`,

This by not overstating the case

lends a more solitary air to the `here` of the homesick narrator/ s.



{{I hope this post is not re-scrambled and makes sense to you ;

I am editing mw work 3 times then if I return to it, find letters omoitted or words added,

punctuation messed about and general mayhem..why?...who knows?

after posting - not immediately always either.

Or an entire sentence of a poem will have been shifted to another stanza.

.Plus I could not c/c `Good Egg`s analysis which was left here for me

(not that I could match the oroginal or Soc`s posts) but it`s making work and joy here

very hard on me and making me look ridiculous and lacking in consistency as well, I really regret..}}***

I hope thus stays intact for what it`s worth.

This joint-effort works well -

Still, I will I expect, be pleased, `Rosie` has the confidence in her talent to post for herself

:) (: -

so far, so good - the atmosphere of solitary dis-location you have worked upon is

much enhanced, here.....yet I was very `taken` by Rosies own post..most refreshing, as said xxxxx

x

Answer 3

Hey, I saw "Lilo and Stitch," and I also verified the meanings of ohana and hale before I commented on the initial version of this poem. My asterisks on the initial version were introduced to make a point about ridiculous Y!A censorship.



There are gains as well as losses in this rendition.

Answer 4

The footnotes at the beginning of the poem are not needed and in fact are distracting. I think this is strong in description - I would like the two repeating lines to show up more throughout the poem.

Answer 5

Hi Soc.



I was there once as a child and enjoyed it, the culture, the scenery for sure. I enjoyed the nature of this piece as well.

Answer 6

complex task query over the search engines just that may help

Answer 7

I like to collaborations this one is interesting re-write.



edit- just wanted to add that isn't it great when there is a new voice that inspires us to write.