Another poem, may I have your comments?

Question

Teardrops On My Cheeks

Teardrops on my cheeks
Like rain in rivulets
Upon my face flowing down
Reaching to the soul of me.

When did the clouds roll in?
When the storm first begin?
Who will dam up this flow
Or shall it yet unceasing grow?

These tears that stain my cheeks
Bitter sorrow yet bespeaks
Loneliness my soul besets
With the rain in rivulets.

My face drawn in a sad frown
Seems like some opera clown
Painted there a foil to be
Where such joy I used to see.

Why should I let it be so?
Shall I yet no gladness know?
Soon again my world will spin
Sunshine o'er th dark will win.

Reaching from the soul of me
Rising so as not to drown
The sun of joy that never sets
Shines in a rainbow on my cheeks.

©June 17, 2008 Albert K. Jungers All rights reserved

Answer 1

It has a deep, haunting rhythm. For a non native speaker like me, "the soul of me" is particularly striking. It is — to me — much more refined than "my soul". It gives a gentle distance to your words, but does not preclude the emotion that flows throughout your poem.

EDIT: yes but....what about "the soul of me"???

Answer 2

This is so much better than the other piece I commented... It flowed well, words that connected well... its by far the best I've seen of your work and I enjoyed reading it.





I do suggest one change... I think this works better at the end... or something like that, just a suggestion.



The joyful sun never sets;

rainbow cheeks never frown.

Answer 3

Well penned and great meter to me as I read aloud. Unfortunately I like parts of both offerings. I did not like though the last stanza in the rewrite. My compliments overall.

Answer 4

nice 8/10

Answer 5

You have a delicate and sensitive touch, a fine artist. TD