"A Melody". Your comments?

Question

Welll... I'm not too sure about this one myself. Some of the rhymes aren't very good and, well, you can decide for yourself. Any insight? Criticisms are greatly appreciated. Thanks!

A Melody

A soft melody plays,
Swirling lightly along,
To put joy in our days
It's a sweet, simple song.

Swirling lightly along,
Notes cast upon silence,
It's a sweet, simple song;
An emotion intense.

Notes cast upon silence,
Weaving, joining as one.
An emotion intense,
Fiery bright as the sun.

Weaving, joining as one,
Both angry and tranquil,
Fiery bright as the sun,
Calm as water so still.

Both angry and tranquil,
Each note alone, single.
Calm as water so still,
Ringing as they mingle.

Each note alone, single,
To put joy in our days,
Ringing as they mingle;
A soft melody plays.....

Answer 1

I'm really happy that you're experimenting with the pantoum. Keep trying different forms, as you've been doing. The rhymes and subjects will mature as you do. Don't rush, keep writing about what you find most familiar. I'm amazed at your talent; you have all the time in the world.



As far as being honest, I'm sure most of us who express an opinion are expressing honest opinions. As for the pantoum, very few people understand this rare poetic form.

Answer 2

Hi Be Beautiful With respect, this is a no, It seems so bitty and rushed. Not your normal flowing structure. an intense using of an equal phrase loses your clarity and purpose for your writing. It understandable what you are trying to put across, but listening to a piece of music you like, feel it in the air and all around, a song is of beauty, the music a melody to your heart strings, which in turn will lead to your poem you were creating. Sorry Be Beautiful, no harmful criticism I hope, but you and me, both know you can do a lot lot better.., Best wishes. Peter

Answer 3

I defer to Sptfyr's critique on this one. Thumbs up.

I am not familiar with the style and it's difficult to read and enjoy for my personally.

But I do understand the repeated phrases and how they are carrying through the poem. I imagine this is very difficult to do and keep the rhythm flowing as you have.

Answer 4

OH, it's a Pantoum. I've done one of those too. They are not so easy and you've done wonderfully. It's a lovely poem and it flows nicely. Your rhyme and meter work nicely. I don't see anything you need to change.



BTW...I want you to know that I am also being honest. Not everyone is familiar with the structural form of a Pantoum Poem to realize that you managed it beautifully.

Answer 5

Thank all of you *bows to Spt* for teaching me what a Pantoum is. I did catch on to the repitition scheme. kewl I'm no poet, but love reading what you bards post.



well titled. I heard the music. Write ON, girl.

Answer 6

I haven't been writing that long and no way an expert but i likes it a lot.some of yours are better than others but this one is ok. keep writing as you getting better and better !!

Answer 7

It is good

Answer 8

yup its good